Sometimes, when we’re asking children to behave in certain ways or fit in we’re asking them to be less them.
There are times in life when we all have to be a bit less “us.” To push through uncomfortable feelings for a greater good.
Both neurotypical AND neurodivergent people all experience times of having to be in situations where this happens.
However for many neurodivergent people it’s typically more frequent, intensive and for more prolonged periods of time. This is when it can become a problem.
“Masking” is when you have to constantly suppress your authentic self in order to fit in. For some people this is all day, everyday. It can be utterly crushing and exhausting, especially if your environment bombards you with information, demands or sensory input as well as expecting a coherent, socially acceptable response. (I’ll put a link to a helpful article on this topic from the National Autistic Society below).
Parents of neurodivergent children often feel the fall out of masking at home. This can be tough when your child holds it together all day only for everything to fall apart at home. Worse if you’re regularly told “they don’t have any problems in school” with the implication that you must be doing something wrong rather than the understanding that home is where it feels safest to be raw and real.
There’s also the concern about the long term impact. What is ok and what is too much? When does this begin to have a detrimental impact on my child’s mental health?
In my experience if you’re a parent concerned about your child rather than asking “is my child having to mask” it can be helpful to explore:
- When is my child having to mask? (How often and how much?)
- When can they can just “be me”? (How often and how much?)
- What is masking costing them?
- What helps them to recover and how long does it take to recover from having to mask?
- How much are they aware they’re having to mask?
I’ve put it into a journalling sheet you can use.
Whilst masking is common, each person’s experience of it will vary according to their circumstance, environment, age and so much more. This is what can make it so difficult for parents to work out what is the best way forward. It’s also why taking time to explore further can be so valuable. The answers to questions like those above can often build a much clearer picture of what is happening and facilitate working out what needs to happen next.
Coaching can make a huge difference when you know your child is navigating challenges, but you’re not sure how best to support them and you need clarity and confidence.
If you’re ready to take action, whether for yourself or your family, maybe it’s time to explore what might be holding you back and find ways forward. To start the conversation follow the link to book a free initial consultation.
Julie is an ICF accredited coach who offers vital thinking space to busy parents. She’s passionate about children growing up experiencing acceptance, belonging and connection. Her background includes working with young people in education, as a foster carer and being a mum. She is very experienced in the additional challenges some young people experience including SEN, neurodiversity and trauma
You can find out more about her work at www.optimumparentandfamily.co.uk
Further information about masking:
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking#The%20impact%20of%20masking
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