When I first started teaching, the term “dysregulated” wasn’t even part of our vocabulary. In the early 2000s, we didn’t talk about overwhelmed children, nor did we understand the neuroscience behind intense emotions in the way we do today. Emotional distress wasn’t typically considered a valid reason for challenging behaviour and instead viewed as lack of self control or perhaps the result of an issue with “anger management” or poor parenting. There was no real framework for understanding why some children seemed to struggle more than others.
I remember feeling a constant battle between my urge to nurture and the messaging around not letting children “get away” with bad behaviour. It felt like I had to choose one or the other. Now I see it through a different lens (see my blog on tricky behaviour)
When I moved from mainstream to a PRU (Pupil Referral Unit) – working with children who were out of mainstream education due to exclusion or anxiety – I learned pretty quickly about working with overwhelmed children and big feelings even if the word “dysregulation” wasn’t part of our language.
I love that 20+ years later we have a much better understanding of neuroscience and emotions and there are much better approaches than simply punishing children for their difficulties, although sadly that does still happen. We are making progress AND we still have a long way to go.
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years and wish I’d known sooner:
1. Coregulation is one of the best “tools” you’ll ever have
When a child is overwhelmed and dysregulated, they need you to be calm when they can’t be. You are the emotional thermostat in that moment. The calmer and more attuned you are, the better the situation will unfold for everyone. Getting cross or attempting to force the situation will make it worse so take a deep breath, or whatever you need to do, to be the calm, safe person they need. When you meet a child’s emotional intensity with calmness and connection, you are giving them the space to settle their nervous system. It’s hard, you will make mistakes and it takes a lot of practice and patience, but it truly is a game changer.
2. You won’t accomplish anything until they feel safe
Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson talk about the 4 S’s essential for children – Feeling safe, seen, soothed and secure. Before anything productive can happen, a child needs to feel safe, not just physically, but also emotionally.
If a child doesn’t trust you or feel secure in your presence, you’re likely to remain stuck. The challenge is how to do this in practice because it’s based on what that individual child needs. For one child it might look like holding a boundary they don’t like so they can really test it to check out if you’re trustworthy. For another child it might be letting go of a rule or boundary which is not that important. The most tricky thing is there’s no manual for this (although Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child offers some helpful insights) Building trust takes time and patience, but it’s foundational to helping them manage their feelings.
3. Giving those feelings a voice can make a powerful difference
We often focus on trying to “fix” the problem when what the child really needs is someone to acknowledge and give voice to their feelings. When we help children label their emotions or reflect with them on what they might be feeling, it can have a profound impact on their brain. Communicating emotions doesn’t just make them feel heard; it can help them process and regulate those emotions. Rather than trying to immediately solve the issue, simply naming and validating what they’re experiencing can work wonders. Not convinced? Check out Matthew Lieberman’s work on the power of labelling emotions.
4. Move!
You don’t need to be an expert on the nervous system to know that emotions are felt in the body and staying still can sometimes leave you stuck. When words aren’t helpful movement can be. When a child is overwhelmed, a change of location or even something as simple as a walk can help them calm down. I’ve lost count of the number of walks I’ve taken with young people, and almost always, it helps. If you can get outside into nature, even better—nature itself has a calming effect and can help restore emotional balance. Moving the body and changing the environment can help regulate the nervous system and create space for deeper emotional processing.
If you’re in a situation where physically moving is difficult then moving focus can help – there are so many possibilities. Dr Karen Treisman captures these in a whole box of ideas with her Therapeutic Treasure Deck of Grounding, Soothing, Coping and Regulating Cards. Perhaps a bit pricey to buy for home, but if you regularly work with children and young people this set is worthwhile investment as you can use these with children to make a plan for the difficult moments.
5. Get Some Distance Between the Moment of Overwhelm and Taking Action
Too often I still find myself trying to have a rational conversation with my child when they are still upset. One of the biggest mistakes most adults make is trying to resolve everything in the heat of the moment.
After a child’s emotional outburst, their body is still processing the chemicals released during that storm of feelings. Yours probably is too! In the heat of the moment you’re far more likely to react in ways which aren’t helpful to anyone and may not be aligned with your values (I find those are the moments I’m most likely to sound like adults from my childhood whose behaviours I don’t really want to replicate).
Give yourself (and the child) time to recover before trying to address what happened. Taking time allows you to both respond with patience, build understanding and work with your child to make things better in the future. Yes, we want to teach children to take responsibility for their actions, but they often can’t do this if we don’t address the reasons for those actions. As Dr Ross Greene points out “Children do well if they can.”
In my experience taking time and addressing what happened once you’re calm means a much more constructive conversation focused on setting things right and problem solving rather than those which end up in blame and shame. It takes longer in the short term, but pays off in the long run.
How you follow up a difficult outburst can be the difference between an experience which is healing and learning or an experience which is shameful and damaging. In the challenging moments there are some meaningful opportunities if we’re willing to do the hard work.
Most of all I’d encourage you to approach both your child’s and your responses with curiosity and compassion – being human can be messy and complex, but often there is beauty and opportunity in the midst of the challenging moments.
Coaching can make a huge difference when you know your child is navigating challenges, but you’re not sure how best to support them and you need clarity and confidence.
If you’re ready to take action, whether for yourself or your family, maybe it’s time to explore what might be holding you back and find ways forward. To start the conversation follow the link to book a free initial consultation.
Julie is an ICF accredited coach who offers vital thinking space to busy parents. She’s passionate about children growing up experiencing acceptance, belonging and connection. Her background includes working with young people in education, as a foster carer and being a mum. She is very experienced in the additional challenges some young people experience including SEN, neurodiversity and trauma
You can find out more about her work at www.optimumparentandfamily.co.uk
#parenting #behaviour #communication #coaching #learning #emotionalintelligence #dysregulation