Tricky behaviour is something every parent experiences. It can be one of the most stressful parts of parenting, yet there’s no training given beforehand on how to deal with it. It’s often only in the heat of the moment that you realise that your main “go to” is your own experiences of being parented and that may not fit with the kind of parent you want to be.
Certainly as a newly qualified teacher it was a shock to find that being in an adult did not automatically mean I knew how to handle the moments when I was faced with difficult behaviour. Over the years, I’ve gained valuable experience working with young people who have been excluded from school, fostering children, and raising my own. I’ve learned so much, usually the hard way – though I still don’t always get it right (ask my children!).
Here’s what I wish I could share with my 22 year old self:
- All behaviour is communication.
This one was a game-changer. Children’s behaviour is often a way of telling us there’s a problem. This doesn’t mean the method of communication is always acceptable, but understanding that there’s usually something deeper can shift your perspective.
Too often, adults focus on addressing the surface behaviour—things like rudeness or disrespect—without considering the underlying cause. When we focus on what the behaviour is really telling us, we can break the cycle and address the root issue.
There’s huge value in learning to hear the real message.
Bonus question: What are you communicating back when you raise your voice or dismiss their distress?
- Assume the best of the person.
The behaviour we see is rarely as personal as it seems. More often, it’s a result of overwhelming emotions or a lack of tools to handle a situation, rather than an intentional attempt to ruin your life. Tricky behaviour is often a sign that a child is dysregulated (more on that in another blog!) or lacks coping skills. If we fail to recognise this, we miss an opportunity to offer support and teach valuable lessons.
By assuming there’s a good reason behind their behaviour, we put ourselves in a position to help them rather than react defensively. When we approach the situation with curiosity and compassion, rather than hurt and frustration, we open up the space for problem-solving and growth.
- Respond to the real issue first and then the method of delivery.
It’s essential to teach children that behaviours like hitting, shouting, or being rude aren’t acceptable. But sometimes, we get so caught up in the method of communication that we overlook the real issue. As Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson write in The Whole Brain Child, “Connect before you correct.” They explain the neuroscience behind this approach and offer excellent tips on how to do it effectively.
Often, children don’t know how to communicate their problem properly or are too overwhelmed to do it in a productive way. When we address the real issue first, we create an opportunity to teach them better ways to express themselves—skills that will serve them for life.
- Relationship is crucial
Healthy relationships are the foundation for teaching and learning. It’s possible to have clear boundaries while still taking a relational approach. The Whole Brain Child emphasizes the importance of the “4 S’s” for children: feeling Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. When these are in place, you can do the real work of guiding children through their challenges.
Sometimes, tricky behaviour arises because a child feels safe with you and is letting off steam after experiencing stress elsewhere. That’s why point 1 is so important—understanding the real issue allows you to address it.
- Find the Win/Win.
Power battles result in win/lose. Certainly the adults winning and the children losing was a theme in the era I grew up in (maybe why I loved stories where the kids thwart the adult). The key, however, is finding win/win solutions. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t always easy, but finding a way to make it a win – or at least communicate why it’s important for them – can take you so much further in the long term.
If a child feels like you’re on their team and the reason you’re doing something is for a good reason it can make a huge difference, even if they don’t enjoy the process. Often appealing to the person’s better nature or giving them a voice in finding a solution brings a much better result.
There are no easy answers when it comes to dealing with challenging behaviour, and it’s often hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment. I had a recent conversation with one of my children where I was asked, “What will happen if I don’t…?” and my response was, “I don’t know. I’m too cross to think right now. I want to make a fair decision, but I need to calm down first.” It’s okay to give yourself the time and space to think before reacting.
What I do know is that these principles have made a significant difference in both my work with children and my own parenting journey.
Coaching can make a huge difference when you know your child is navigating challenges, but you’re not sure how best to support them and you need clarity and confidence.
If you’re ready to take action, whether for yourself or your family, maybe it’s time to explore what might be holding you back and find ways forward. To start the conversation follow the link to book a free initial consultation.
Julie is an ICF accredited coach who offers vital thinking space to busy parents. She’s passionate about children growing up experiencing acceptance, belonging and connection. Her background includes working with young people in education, as a foster carer and being a mum. She is very experienced in the additional challenges some young people experience including SEN, neurodiversity and trauma
You can find out more about her work at www.optimumparentandfamily.co.uk
#parenting #behaviour #communication #coaching #learning #emotionalintelligence
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