I’d been married to my husband for over 15 years before I discovered a very strange rule he holds about picnics and, as it turns out, lunch in general. What on earth does this have to do with invisible obstacles in life you might ask? Stick with this story – I promise it is connected!
We were out with our young children for that intense period between the very early wake up and the peace of nap time. We’d eaten breakfast at some unearthly hour and now at 11:30am they were ready for the picnic.
However when I suggested stopping for lunch I was met with a look of shock and horror on my husband’s face.
Him: “But it’s only 11:30am!”
Me: “Yes, but the children are hungry.”
Him: “They could have a snack.”
Me: “Why not just have lunch if we’re stopping?” (Given the hassle of hand washing and getting everything out I didn’t want to have to do that twice)
Him: “But it’s not 12:00.”
Me (confused): “Why do we have to wait until 12:00?”
Him: “Because then it’s lunchtime!”
This then became a debate about what was the “correct” time to eact lunch.
In his mind stopping for biscuit or snack was perfectly ok, but a sandwich would have been all wrong!
Regardless of what time we’d eaten breakfast or how hungry we were, in my husband’s mind we couldn’t start lunch until 12 (I’ve since discovered you also have to finish by 2:30pm).
Somewhere in his life he’d internalised rules about meal times which – probably through childhood and then working in an office and until this point. It had worked well for him – until you add in two hungry tots who had been up since an unearthly hour.
I tell this story because there are so many areas of life where we sometimes hold onto rules or beliefs which once served us well, but now may be unhelpful or even counter productive. I have many that I’ve held onto (they are just less entertaining than my husband’s picnic rules).
The expectations we place upon ourselves as a result of these rules can be overwhelming and deeply unhelpful. They are the invisible obstacles which you might not even realise you are holding onto.
Some examples of where I’ve seen this show up:
Christmas and birthdays – so many expectations about how they “should” be even when the “should” is robbing everyone of the enjoyment
Roles within the home – if you’ve grown up with your parents taking on particular roles then this can often be an area where you hold expectations of what you “should” be doing regardless of whether this suits your skillset, child’s needs or how this works for any coparent.
Life aspirations – sometimes people make huge life decisions – where they live, the job they do based on what they feel they “should” do and what society or wider family expect rather than what actually works for them. This can often be so costly in wellbeing and joy.
Parenting decisions – Making decisions for your child based on what other people think you should do rather than what you see your child needs and what feels right to you.
So how do you spot these unwritten rules which might be holding you back?
Here’s a few thoughts:
- Notice when there’s dissonance – when are you doing things which noone else seems to have to do? Perhaps you’re doing something which might work for others but doesn’t work for you?
- Get curious – rather than tell yourself to do better, use this as an opportunity to explore and learn.
Try these questions:
- What’s the reason I feel I have to do this?
- What other options could there be?
- What stops us from doing things differently? (Watch out for “shoulds” “oughts” and others expectations here – they can be helpful red flags).
- What would need to happen for me to do things differently?
Sometimes there are ideas and obstacles we hold onto which are relatively harmless – my husband’s picnic rules have been a source of humour and lighthearted fun for many years now – it’s quite common if i’m out with the children to send him a photo of us picnicking at 11:50pm and him to return a horrified emoji. (I’m sharing this story with his permission)
However, there are some which, left buried, cause stress, conflict and rob you of joy. Taking time to explore and unearth these isn’t necessarily easy, but it can be transformative.
Coaching can be a great way to shine a light on these obstacles—both visible and invisible. If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, it might be time to take a step back, reflect, and create space for some new ways of thinking and being.
Sometimes the first step to breaking free from old rules is awareness they exist in the first place.
If you’re ready to take action, whether for yourself or your family, maybe it’s time to explore what might be holding you back and find ways forward. To start the conversation follow the link to book a free initial consultation.
Julie is an ICF accredited coach who offers vital thinking space to busy parents. She’s passionate about children growing up experiencing acceptance, belonging and connection. Her background includes working with young people in education, as a foster carer and being a mum. She is very experienced in the additional challenges some young people experience including SEN, neurodiversity and trauma
You can find out more about her work at www.optimumparentandfamily.co.uk
Image by congerdesign from Pixabay
#coaching #overcomingbarriers #limitingbeliefs #invisibleobstacles #parenting