One of the hardest things as a parent is seeing your child struggle. It’s even more difficult if they struggle with everyday things most children are expected to “just do.” As well as their struggles you then have to deal with the big emotions this may bring up for them – for many children this shows up as tricky behaviour or huge outbursts.
It’s easy to end up feeling overwhelmed, powerless, stuck and alone with your confidence at rock bottom, especially if noone else’s child seems to struggle like this.
The truth is lots of children struggle for lots of reasons. Every parent has seasons where they feel stuck – even if they don’t share those challenges.
Sometimes you can’t make everything better as a parent, but with a bit of space to think you can use your wisdom and insights to find better ways to navigate the difficult times.
Here’s three simple, but powerful questions I find helpful to reflect upon when I need to access that wisdom:
1. “What does my child need most?”
Getting clear about what your child most needs means you can better decide what to prioritise and what to ditch.
You know your child well – probably better than most people. This means that you have had opportunity to observe what works and what doesn’t for them. The odds are you know what will trigger strong emotions or what helps them when they’re finding things tough..
I know September can be a difficult time in our house, and for many families. Calm morning routines and a patient and playful approach from me is crucial. As is fun, downtime and play which brings release after school. They will be experiencing more stretch in school so maybe I need to account for that in what I expect at home.
Being mindful of this during the first few weeks of term makes a huge difference.
When I am clear about prioritising what my children need it also means I’m less likely to be distracted by minor issues or beat myself up about the stuff that doesn’t get done.
When that happens family life is more likely to flow.
2. “What do I need?”
When your needs are met you are more likely to be able to support your child better.
For one parent this might be more knowledge or ideas, for another it might be sleep or someone to talk to. Often it’s the small things which make a big difference.
I know I am a calmer, more patient, nurturing parent when I have had space and I’m not rushed. During busy seasons I need to schedule carefully and pace myself. If I don’t do this intentionally then it just doesn’t happen and we all feel the impact.
Sometimes I get this balance right and sometimes I am reminded the hard way!
Attending to your own needs is often difficult as a parent and even harder when the needs of you family are greater than the time and resources you have available.
Yet, during the tough seasons, emotional availability for your child is even more critical. Knowing your needs and ensuring they also get some space on the priority list can make a huge difference to the quality of support you can offer.
3. “What do I need to communicate to others?”
Whilst you don’t need to announce all your child’s struggles on social media there may be some key people who would really benefit from your insights on what is going on for your child. Perhaps their understanding, support and help might make all the difference to you.
It’s tempting to hold back because you don’t want to make a fuss, wait until you’re at a point of crisis when it all comes out wrong or feel like you have to find someone to blame for what’s happening which is rarely helpful – including blaming yourself!
There’s also the fear of being misunderstood. It can feel vulnerable if you share information to then feel dismissed or misjudged, but ultimately are you sharing to be validated or be a voice for your child in places where they may struggle to communicate their needs?
You cannot control others’ responses or whether they take on board what you say, but you can give them the opportunity to understand better.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that others may really want to be supportive, but may not see what you do. Your communication may offer the insights and understanding they need to better support your child. Maybe they have some useful insights which might help you too.
Whilst I can’t promise you reflecting on these three simple questions will transform your child’s struggles into a breeze I can tell you that stepping back and taking time to reflect has the potential to bring greater flow and ease as you navigate a difficult time. It’s amazing how powerful simple questions can be.
—
Julie is an ICF accredited coach who offers vital thinking space to busy parents. She’s passionate about children growing up experiencing acceptance, belonging and connection. Her background includes working with young people in education, as a foster carer and being a mum. She is very experienced in the additional challenges some young people experience including SEN, neurodivergence and trauma
You can follow the link to book a free initial consultation with her.
You can find out more about her work at www.optimumparentandfamily.co.uk
#parenting #coaching #workingparents #backtoschool #send